No it’s not our anniversary. It’s Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Actually, in 1988 former president, Ronald Reagan, dedicated the entire month to Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I wasn’t aware of it until 2005. Why, you ask? Because on September 30, 2005 I lost my (then) only child Kamilah to SIDS. She’d turned 11 weeks the day before. And I lost her. I’ll spare all the details, but long story short, I woke up to a lifeless child at 4:03am. My world hasn’t been the same since that exact moment. For years after that, throughout different methods of therapy, I felt like I wanted to die. I felt alone. I felt as though I had nothing. I existed. I was alive, but I didn’t live. I was in support groups, both online and in person. I was involuntarily inducted into this secret society where you don’t don’t even know anyone in it, until you’re taken. Then people around you that you’ve known your whole life begin to tell you what happened to them. It’s a strange place and I don’t wish it upon anyone. What complicated my story is that her dad, who may indeed be reading this & didn’t even want to be a father at that point, decided to have a child with someone else a mere 13 months later. And then sent me a picture of his newborn literally right after birth. Talk about twisting the knife. I don’t think I ever expressed to him the sheer deepness that sent me into. So, if you’re reading this and want to know, ask me, but only if you’re prepared to hear everything. It was this situation that taught me exactly how strong I was/appeared to be and about forgiveness. I can forgive…. but obviously, I don’t forget. To get back on track here, Kamilah’s memorial service was on October 15, 2005.
Since then, I’ve met quite a few people along the way. Some have other children. Some do not. Some families recovered (to an extent), while others did not. This year alone, two women that I met on a Facebook group dedicated to parents of deceased children have passed away (RIP Tasha & Sarah). Both of these girls I’d never physically met, but chatted often about things. Sarah never had any more children. Tasha has a son that is just a few months older than Kroix. Many of these women I didn’t meet until well after the tragedies, but one I knew wayyyy before. And that one in 2010, literally had me crying to know someone else had to be in my shoes. Her loss hurt me like it was my own. Again, her and I never even met in person, but knew each other from Blackplanet days before she got married and had children. All I remember doing is logging on Facebook to tell her Happy Birthday to only find out her little Carter passed away just days before.
I’ve met lifelong friends throughout this ordeal that I wouldn’t trade for the world, but I would definitely change the circumstances of how we met.
When I thought of writing this post, I thought it would be a breeze, but it’s actually the hardest of them all for me to write. Words don’t just flow with this subject. There are things I want to say, yet I can’t…. And things that I need to say but won’t.
If you are a new member of this secret society… I hate you’re here, but know you’re not alone. Trust me, if I can make it through this….. anyone can, including you! I may be 12 years removed, but it’s a long road and I am still on it.
Kamilah Noray Kennedi G.
7/14/05 – 9/30/05